He killed himself.

I cannot believe it, but I have to. The man who used to be my stepfather killed himself three days ago. He was by no means perfect, but he was the best father figure I ever had. He was funny and kind and good to me and my sister, even when he and my mother went their separate ways. I am only sorry there was nothing I could have done. What a waste.


You will be missed. May you finally find the peace you never had in life.


[edit...after it hit me.]

Why I am always angry and never sad. I found out yesterday, but I needed time for it to sink in...it did not just sink, it hit me when I least expected it. I want so badly to call someone, to cry on a shoulder, but I can't bring myself to do it. It's almost 5 am and I am trying to breathe. My eyes have betrayed me, my nose will not listen to reason, my heart hurts. The more I remember, the more it hurts. What good times we used to have! How can someone be so sad when they have had such good times? Did all the bad things really outweigh the good things in the end? I can never know the answers to these questions, I can never know...so senseless. My heart is heavy, my lungs protest, my eyes are closed.

Crime and Punishment.

I generally stick to the intimately personal here, but this is something I just could not let go. And no, this is not a Dostoevsky review.

I read a blog post recently about what happens when criminals are let back into society after a stint in prison...They brought up Michael Vick and Martha Stewart as people who get to go on with their lives, making millions of dollars or whatever when they got/get out. The question was asked: Should they be allowed to continue their lives as normally as possible? In Vick's case especially, should he be able to play for the NFL?

Should inmates be given a fair shot? What's fair to someone who has no respect for the law? These days, prison is a bubble. You get internet, you get a bed, you get food, you can even get a degree in prison, what kind of punishment is that? They got caught, they served their time--but I think going back into society as a branded criminal is the real punishment.

Who cares if they want to hire Vick to play football*? The guy should be able to get a job. I have no issue with someone who is trying to rebuild their life after time in prison; a body still needs shelter, needs to eat.

But I have a couple of questions: Did they teach him it was wrong to treat animals cruelly in prison? Did they make him understand how abhorrent it is to maltreat and abuse a creature that can't talk back, can't fight back?

Will he do it again? Maybe. But he'll be smarter about it next time, maybe enough to not get caught. Perhaps he just shouldn't be allowed to own animals. Ever.

I am more concerned about these things, than whether or not the guy gets to play fucking football.

*I will not be addressing the idea that some people have that athletes should be role models because I think it is bloody ridiculous to put these people on an even higher pedestal. They do deserve some privacy and room to make their own mistakes. If you want to idolize someone because they throw a ball/hit a puck/run/swim/leap about exceptionally well, that's your deal. I just think that people will always, eventually let you down.

............................................................

On a harsher and perhaps more unreasonable note, I really think they ought to do to him what he did to those dogs. Eye for an eye.

People who can treat animals and people in such harsh ways should never be allowed to have any more pets of their own. Or procreate, lest they pass on genes and behaviours which are cruel and ultimately, unhealthy.