He killed himself.

I cannot believe it, but I have to. The man who used to be my stepfather killed himself three days ago. He was by no means perfect, but he was the best father figure I ever had. He was funny and kind and good to me and my sister, even when he and my mother went their separate ways. I am only sorry there was nothing I could have done. What a waste.


You will be missed. May you finally find the peace you never had in life.


[edit...after it hit me.]

Why I am always angry and never sad. I found out yesterday, but I needed time for it to sink in...it did not just sink, it hit me when I least expected it. I want so badly to call someone, to cry on a shoulder, but I can't bring myself to do it. It's almost 5 am and I am trying to breathe. My eyes have betrayed me, my nose will not listen to reason, my heart hurts. The more I remember, the more it hurts. What good times we used to have! How can someone be so sad when they have had such good times? Did all the bad things really outweigh the good things in the end? I can never know the answers to these questions, I can never know...so senseless. My heart is heavy, my lungs protest, my eyes are closed.