pick your poison

Sometimes it's like being drunk. It's very hard to say "No" because hell, it feels good. It feels good to be wanted and told you are beautiful and sexy--to be in glory. My judgment is impaired when I get into a certain state.

I should have been more forceful. I should have kicked him out, once things went too far. One "No" should have been enough. But three weren't. It was happening and I was watching, even though my eyes were closed. I stopped moving, he didn't. Even thought, If this is happening and I cannot stop it, I don't want to be hurt.

I got into the shower later (you're not supposed to do that, they say) and I turned on the water so hot I almost couldn't stand it. But I could, just. I stayed there until I felt clean again. And then a few more minutes, just because. No thinking, just me and the water and the soap.

I held onto my last shred of dignity. There are some things no one can take from you, make you do. Even when your body betrays you. I couldn't stop it.

It's like choosing between hemlock and hanging. Either way you're dead.

...

"You came here to possess me," I said, feeling all kinds of wrong and sad. Mute horror.

But you never will.