the road to hell

.....is paved with good intentions.



It has been a hell of a week.
With not nearly enough sleep.
I am getting some rest now...

As much as is possible at any rate.

I got a letter. :)

....................................................................................................................................


I have a friend. A very interesting and possibly dangerous friend.

So, naturally, I am intrigued. But I do not know if this a good thing yet.

..There many things I am not being told, I believe. I am curious, in the very least.

I will learn all I can, in the end.

......................................................................................................................................

I am not happy, not right now...I was never unhappy until I came here, not like this...I have been unsatisfied before, but never truly unhappy, not depressed...Granted, I am a bit of a pessimist/realist..But I am not the depressed type, I have/had hope, dreams...I don't know what is happening, but I dont like it...
Maybe I am still not used to the way I live now...It would be understandable..
Is it Tim? I miss him, I miss him so...But what can I do? I chose this. I gave my word. And I do love him, I love him so much...it's killing me. I will prevail, I have to. I have to. I am letting this make me unhappy...It's working wonderfully. He is in his Hell, and I am in mine....
What if, now that I actually have time to think and do as I please; when I am no longer oppressed by....What if I can finally think about what I most want, which is my freedom, and how un-free I have become, how constrained I am, how tied up I am in everything, how fettered...
And what I can do to change that.
......................................................................................................................................

My Beasts are waking.
One day I will illustrate Them.
There are three.

The first two, I know well.
The third still lies in shadow.

......................................................................................................................................

I will leave you with my hemlock words.... in color...maybe it will imbue the words with more...power.



Hemlock Words

Part I "Hemlock Words/ The Beginning"
These are my hemlock words
Spoken in the voice of rage
These are my hemlock words
That will last a day and age
The day I lose substance
Is the day I die
The day I lose substance
Is the day I lie
Spoken in the voice of malice
The bite of the asp
The poison from a chalice
Something you can’t grasp
Something you can’t see
Or smell
Or hear
Or taste.

"What’s left."
That’s my heart you’ve broken
My mind you’ve stolen
How do you feel now?
How do you feel, now,
Now that I’m nothing
Less than before
Now that you’re something
Do you remember your lie?
You lied to me that day
The day that stretched forever
Oh, but its my fault too
I took it like a pill.

"Blind"
Blinded by my love
Love I know was nothing,
Now I know
They were right when they said love was blind
Blinded by love, by fear, by need
Now I need nothing
Now, with the nothing I need
I give nothing back
I had to become a monster
To kill one
The monster in my mind
That took over the day I got free.

Part II "The Monster"

"Ice"
Do you like what you see now?
The creature I’ve become
This bloodthirsty being
This girl who’s gone cold from the inside
My hands are always cold now
And I don’t think its bad circulation
Anything I touch turns to ice
Like ice un-shatterable
That gathers around my heart
A black ice, that lets in only
What it must
To sustain my rage
Little room left for light
I took people
I used them
Just like you
Just like you….

"Loathing"
Now I hate myself
I know it wasn’t your intention
But the best are always fraught
With dire actions
Intentions are nothing now
It doesn’t matter what I want
Only what I can do
What I need
What the ice tells me
The monster became manifest
In my cruel smile
My dark eye
And my cold pale hand
Like a spider
Spinning a web of pain
All I was capable of
Till once, enough light was allowed
Too much
The ice wasn’t careful that day
And the pain it brought to surface
The old bitterness
I knew it wasn’t good
What I had become
But I had liked it
And let it continue
But I learned from it
I used it
To my advantage
To get what I wanted
Some small animal comfort
That meant nothing
Nothing like what I had really needed
But had never gotten…

Part III "Another/ The End"

"Fences Down"
But as I’ve cut the lines
Lines that bound me to no one
Lines like razor thin chains
Lines that cut, when I wasn’t careful
I’ve cut them away
But I’m still afraid
To be free of them
At last
I know they won’t come back
I’ve made sure of that
But what if you lied, again?
What would I be then?
I don’t want to know
The future,
But in a way I do
Because I fear everything
Even the thought of you.
I couldn’t stand it again
No not ever
Not without something unending
A piece of ice would lodge
Once more in my heart
But this kind would burrow deeper
And never let me go
I'd be forever afraid
Do you want that for me?
I know you don’t
But even the best
Intentions
Are laden with peril.

"No Promises"
I cannot promise,
I won’t be like before
It’s too late for me to ever be
Innocent again
Do you still
Want this jaded child,
This girl now,
This woman now?

"Anon"
These hemlock words of mine
The poison that they are
Touch them once
Forever affected
The things I say in rage
That last a day and age
They’ll never die
And I’ll never lie
But you knew that
That’s why,
That’s why…
That’s why you loved me.

............................................................................

[This is my cheshire cat smile.]